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May. 6th, 2008 08:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
janradder"I'm going to get to a three today," he says, happily.
I look up from his communication notebook, where I'd been writing to his teachers about how he seemed to be in a good mood, to see Arie beaming at me. Proud. As if he'd just told me he was going to climb to the top of the monkey bars without help or ride his bike without training wheels or finish the math program at school with a perfect score. A three, however, means that Arie has run out of warnings and more than likely is hitting, kicking, head butting and throwing things in addition to screaming and absolutely freaking out. A three is not a good thing, certainly not something he should be happy and beaming about. Yet he often tells me before school that he will get to a three with this same voice and expression on his face. Sometimes, as he relates the events of his bad days, he smiles at these remembrances as well, as if he were telling me about a wonderful birthday party at school or how he'd kicked a home run in kickball.
Often, on the days he tells me he's going to have a bad day or get to a three, he does the opposite, but not always. And some days he seems to be in a wonderful mood and I'm sure, sending him off on the bus that he will come home with a good report and on those days he returns with quite the opposite.
I never know what will happen with my son. I never know what to expect. I never know what kind of day he will choose to have or how he will behave and I feel sick about it. I feel this sick knot in my stomach throughout the day as I wait for a phone call or wait for him to get off the bus waiting for a report and wondering what kind of day he had. I feel sick and anxious putting him on the bus in the morning, not knowing what the day will bring. I feel sick and anxious walking to get him from the bus in the afternoon. It is not a good feeling at all and I just don't know what to do about it. I'm sad, and anxious, and angry, and tired, and frustrated and today I feel utterly and horribly hopeless.
I look up from his communication notebook, where I'd been writing to his teachers about how he seemed to be in a good mood, to see Arie beaming at me. Proud. As if he'd just told me he was going to climb to the top of the monkey bars without help or ride his bike without training wheels or finish the math program at school with a perfect score. A three, however, means that Arie has run out of warnings and more than likely is hitting, kicking, head butting and throwing things in addition to screaming and absolutely freaking out. A three is not a good thing, certainly not something he should be happy and beaming about. Yet he often tells me before school that he will get to a three with this same voice and expression on his face. Sometimes, as he relates the events of his bad days, he smiles at these remembrances as well, as if he were telling me about a wonderful birthday party at school or how he'd kicked a home run in kickball.
Often, on the days he tells me he's going to have a bad day or get to a three, he does the opposite, but not always. And some days he seems to be in a wonderful mood and I'm sure, sending him off on the bus that he will come home with a good report and on those days he returns with quite the opposite.
I never know what will happen with my son. I never know what to expect. I never know what kind of day he will choose to have or how he will behave and I feel sick about it. I feel this sick knot in my stomach throughout the day as I wait for a phone call or wait for him to get off the bus waiting for a report and wondering what kind of day he had. I feel sick and anxious putting him on the bus in the morning, not knowing what the day will bring. I feel sick and anxious walking to get him from the bus in the afternoon. It is not a good feeling at all and I just don't know what to do about it. I'm sad, and anxious, and angry, and tired, and frustrated and today I feel utterly and horribly hopeless.
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Date: 2008-05-06 04:55 pm (UTC)