(no subject)

[janradder]

"I'm going to get to a three today," he says, happily.

I look up from his communication notebook, where I'd been writing to his teachers about how he seemed to be in a good mood, to see Arie beaming at me.  Proud.  As if he'd just told me he was going to climb to the top of the monkey bars without help or ride his bike without training wheels or finish the math program at school with a perfect score.  A three, however, means that Arie has run out of warnings and more than likely is hitting, kicking, head butting and throwing things in addition to screaming and absolutely freaking out.  A three is not a good thing, certainly not something he should be happy and beaming about.  Yet he often tells me before school that he will get to a three with this same voice and expression on his face.  Sometimes, as he relates the events of his bad days, he smiles at these remembrances as well, as if he were telling me about a wonderful birthday party at school or how he'd kicked a home run in kickball.

Often, on the days he tells me he's going to have a bad day or get to a three, he does the opposite, but not always.  And some days he seems to be in a wonderful mood and I'm sure, sending him off on the bus that he will come home with a good report and on those days he returns with quite the opposite.

I never know what will happen with my son.  I never know what to expect.  I never know what kind of day he will choose to have or how he will behave and I feel sick about it.  I feel this sick knot in my stomach throughout the day as I wait for a phone call or wait for him to get off the bus waiting for a report and wondering what kind of day he had.  I feel sick and anxious putting him on the bus in the morning, not knowing what the day will bring.  I feel sick and anxious walking to get him from the bus in the afternoon.  It is not a good feeling at all and I just don't know what to do about it.  I'm sad, and anxious, and angry, and tired, and frustrated and today I feel utterly and horribly hopeless.

Comments

[xjenavivex.livejournal.com]

I wanted to offer your reassurance and comfort. I wanted to offer anything. I have the same feelings sending my son to his dad's but for other reasons. I wanted you to not feel alone in your worry. The thing I am thankful for is that that isn't in your list. You don't feel alone in this. Still, I wish there was a way to ease your fears. I wish things were often more consistently positive.

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks -- I appreciate the kind thoughts.

[jennreese.livejournal.com]

I wish I could say something that would help, but I have no idea what that would be, and I kinda suspect it doesn't exist. I appreciate you sharing this, though. It helps me to understand some of my friends who are dealing with similar problems, but who don't share them.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thoughts. You're right -- there really isn't much to say (or do for that matter). He'll either grow out of this behavior or he won't. It's pretty frustrating at times.

frustration

[timalyne.livejournal.com]

Chloe confounds me similarly some days...the way she strikes out at the world (by world I mean me, her sister or the cats) and then smiles at me like..."you still love me, right?" I swear she doesn't genuinely want to hurt anyone, but it sure happens a lot.

Thinking of you...

Re: frustration

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Ditto.

[geniusofevil.livejournal.com]

wow, that's really hard. It's so frustrating to be responsible and yet not responsible for another person's behavior.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

It is. There are some days I don't know whether to scream or to cry or do both.

[silk-noir.livejournal.com]

Hon, I am so, so sorry. *hugs*

[geniusofevil.livejournal.com]

in situations like those, I find it helps to eat icecream

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks -- I'm actually about to leave to pick him up from school because he is so out of control right now. RRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!

[janradder.livejournal.com]

I like that solution. Maybe I'll eat it in front of Arie. (Sorry, I have really had it with that kid today)

[geniusofevil.livejournal.com]

I see nothing wrong with that. :)

[geniusofevil.livejournal.com]

argh! so he was being honest!

[deanarae.livejournal.com]

Only people with ones or zeros get to eat ice cream.

Of course, Daddies get ice cream whenever they want.

[jamiam.livejournal.com]

Dude, hang in there.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks -- it's been a pretty lousy day (but I do get to see Iron Man tonight so there's that to look forward to).