(no subject)

[janradder]

Saturday is Arie's birthday party.  Last year, we had his party at a bowling alley and he really liked it so he wanted to have a bowling party again.  I booked the lanes and got invitations then asked Arie who he wanted to invite.  He listed off a group of eight kids so we wrote out the invitations and sent them out last week.  It's now been five days since the invitations should have been received and, as yet, we've only gotten two RSVPs back.  Luckily one of those is from Arie's best friend at school but I'm terrified that those are the only two kids who will be coming to Arie's party.  I feel absolutely sick when I think about it.  I have no idea how well he gets along with kids at his school -- if they like him, if they tolerate him, if they just kind of avoid him or what.  Arie has trouble making friends and trouble playing with other kids because of his Asperger's so I just never know if when he tells me someone is his friend at school, is that kid really a friend or is he or she just someone Arie plays near or sometimes does school things with.  When I was in school there was a while (most especially in 5th grade) where I was universally despised by the vast majority of the school and I can't help but project those feelings and fears I had back in grade school onto my son.  Each Valentine's Day I agonize over each little card that my kids get .  I think, did this kid give my son a card out of obligation?  Do the other kids like my son?  I have to remind myself that I'm again projecting, but it's really hard to stop, especially once I get going.  So now we're five days away from Arie's party and only two out of eight kids have responded and I'm thinking of the possibility that these will be the only kids other than his brother who go to the party and I'm thinking about how Arie will react if that happens, and will his feelings be hurt, and what will I do if it happens.

Comments

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

Well, as you know my childhood was roses and daises and singing kumbaya and I am worried sick about this.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

I know.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_stranger_here/]

J had a bday party where he invited a bunch of kids and we only got a couple of rsvps too. I spun it for him by talking about how we were going to have a little party doing the activities we'd planned, and being together and having cake, and hey, maybe some friends would show up too and that would make it extra fun. He took it in stride so easily that I realized the whole social significance of the big party was something I brought to the picture, not something he was feeling a need for himself -- he just wanted some celebration and a special occasion.

A bunch of kids did show up without RSVP, or they RSVPd like the day before: I guess lots of parents don't want to commit ahead of time to a social event when they know their kids might balk or not be in the mood for it at the last minute? Anyway, if you focus on the fun of being together and having cake and bowling, I bet he won't take it personally whether one kid or eight show up. (Though jeez, you'd think other parents would understand this well enough to give you some idea of what to expect.)

[janradder.livejournal.com]

I know all of that intellectually -- it's just really hard for me to not jump right into the emotional response and stop projecting my own feelings onto Arie. For all I know, he won't even notice or care and willl have a great time regardless of who shows up

[http://users.livejournal.com/_stranger_here/]

Well, I think a good dose of rationalization and spin helps a lot. By the time I finished talking up our "little get-together", J had forgotten he'd invited half his class, and was into the idea that he just wanted to hang out with a couple of friends. And I talked myself into believing it as well. When more kids showed up, it was all bonus.

But yeah, I totally do the projecting thing too.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the feedback. If it comes to it, I'll try that approach with Arie.

[geniusofevil.livejournal.com]

is he in first grade or kindergarten?

You know, I worry about that with my son too. He's not very outgoing and I have no idea who he plays with (if anyone). It's hard at this age, because they're still not very social.

His class has a policy where if there's a birthday party invite, they stick it in the kid's backpacks (so none feel left out if they don't get invited) at the end of the day. My son got one but I didn't find it until well after the party. I felt pretty rotten about that.

Still - a party at a bowling alley? That's super cool.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

He's in Kindergarten but his lack of socialization is even less than others his age -- he's emotionally more at a preschool level (although his teachers say he's been getting a lot better at playing with kids at school).

We mailed out as many of the invitations as we could -- his school sent out a book with names and addresses of the kids -- but there were a few kids who weren't listed so we called his teacher to find out how we could get invitations to those kids without making others feel left out. She said that most of the parents had just sent them in with their kids and the kids passed them out (which, to us, reminded us that other kids had had birthday parties but hadn't invited Arie) but appreciated our concern and said she'd put the invitations into the kids backpacks if we sent them in an envelope addressed to her. Since I posted this, we've gotten one more RSVP which makes me feel little better. Arie, tomorrow, was going to ask some of the kids who hadn't RSVPd if they were coming.

[geniusofevil.livejournal.com]

Yay!

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

dood, you should post a follow-up for folks letting them know that kids are, in fact, coming.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was going to -- just haven't gotten to it yet.