I don't know how much more of this I can take

[janradder]

But I imagine that it'll have to be a lot more than I've already gotten because I don't see Arie changing any time soon.

This summer, because Arie has had summer school, I've been taking Éiden to his swimming lessons on Monday and Wednesday mornings.  I really enjoy watching him in the water, laughing, fooling around, working hard.  After, he charges from the locker room and runs to the handicapped door so he can push the button to open it.  The women behind desk smile at him, charmed by his exuberance.

Arie is now done with summer school so today I took him with me to Éiden's lesson.  Instead of enjoying watching Éiden, I felt tense and sick to my stomach as Arie threw himself repeatedly from the bench onto the pool deck, threatened to drop things in the pool filter, tried to throw Éiden's towel in the pool and attempted to steal the instructor's clipboard.

I am so tired of dealing with his behavior.  When I see other families and kids I hate them simply for the fact that they are happy and normal.  There is no screaming parent or no parent who is ready to explode.  There's nothing being thrown, no hideous maniacal laugh, no threats, no belligerence that springs up out of nowhere without warning.  I'm tired of being angry all the time.  Of being tense and frustrated and feeling like I'm at my wit's end.

All I can do is tell myself that maybe with this new doctor we can get Arie on some other medication that will help him control himself.  Right now, I just want some sort of normalcy in our family life.  This is not at all how I imagined being a parent was going to be.

ETA:  As frustrating as Arie was, when we got home Éiden told me that he was happy Arie went because then he could see his brother while he was swimming.

Comments

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

Oh, how lovely! He's taken away yet another joy.

I kind of imagined parenting would be hell. Just a different sort. A less hellish hell?

[sarahgoss.livejournal.com]

I know we don't have identical situations, but when I read this post I get a lot of fellow-feeling because I know what it's like to feel like you're the abnormal one, or family, and to resent other families for seeming to have it easier with their kids. This is a sensation I seem to have frequently, and I can honestly say it's the first time in my life I've struggled with envy. I would have said I wasn't the envious type, but I find myself actively envying parents who seem to be taking the whole thing in better stride than I am, whose kids seem easier, whose lives seem more easygoing and less anxious. I am not sure what the answer is, but I definitely relate, for what it is worth!

[st-writes.livejournal.com]

Horrible as I feel for you -- and I do -- it is Eiden's comment that makes this story so heart-breaking.
I know I can't claim to relate, because I am lucky enough that my family so far falls into the normal category (even if Kai did break our coutch a few weeks ago).

[jamiam.livejournal.com]

You guys need a three-week paid vacation from parenting. (Why don't employers think of these things? "Yes, I'll gladly sacrifice some of my actual vacation time if you'll just find someone to take my kid for a week.")

[stephanieburgis.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[rsheslin.livejournal.com]

I've had just enough experience with trying to deal with public tantrums that my heart goes out to you. (At the same time, Éiden's reaction is so sweet.)