Happy Mother-fucking Holidays

[janradder]

As some of you who read my blog may know, last year just a couple weeks before Christmas, I was held up at gunpoint in front of my house. At one point, as I was handing the guy my wallet, he shoved his gun in my face and told me he was going to shoot me "in the fucking head" and at that point, I believed him. There were never any arrests and after a few days passed by, I assumed there never would be.

Today, as I drove home on 31st Street with the boys in the back seat of the car, I saw the mugger. He was standing on the corner with some friends wearing the same orangish-tan parka he was wearing when he mugged me. It was the parka that caught my eye first. Whenever I see a jacket or parka that color I always look at the person just to check. When I saw his face my heart started racing and I felt like I was going to be sick because it looked just like him. I turned the car around and drove back to get another look as Arie started asking me what we were doing and where we were going.

"I'm just turning around," I told him as my voice shook and my arms trembled.

I drove past the guy again and then did another loop to try and get a third look just to be sure then I pulled over the car and called 911. A squad car pulled up a few seconds later and the officers got his description from me. Then they went to see if they could find him.

I really don't know what to think of all this. It's nearly a year later and, though I don't have the same fear and anxiety I had in the weeks after I was held up, I'm still scared almost every time I pull up in front of the house when it's dark. Most nights, I run from the car to the house like I'm a kid trying to run away from the monsters I imagine are lurking in the shadows. But still, I've been trying to put it behind me and, for the most part, unless I'm coming home at night or I see someone suspicious or I see one of those orangish-tan parkas, I really don't think about being held up. But now I have to.

Part of me considered not calling the police. What if it's not him? I thought. What if it's just some innocent Somali kid out walking with his friends because there's no school today? Or what if it is him? What if he's arrested and I have to ID him and I pick the wrong person or what if I pick the right person and then have to testify in court?

I've been in court before and I've been on the witness stand. It's not that I'm afraid of testifying. It's that I just don't want to see that guy ever again even if it's on the way to prison.

A year ago I was desperate to see him caught and put behind bars. Everywhere I went I had my cell phone with me and on, ready to call the moment I saw him. I drove slowly down the street peering at every person I passed just in case I saw him. Now, I wish I hadn't seen him. I just want this to go away. I don't want to think about that gun pointing at me. I don't want to remember standing in the dark in front of my house and hearing that some kid was going to shoot me in the head. I just want to erase the whole night from my memory and never have to think about it again.

It's been a year since I was mugged, and right now my nerves are raw. I almost feel like it just happened. And I just want to cry. Why couldn't he have just disappeared and stayed gone? Fucking asshole.

Comments

[pnew8.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it helps to say that you did the right thing by calling the police, but it is true. Whoever it was that did that a year ago is probably walking the streets confident that he can do it again or as he needs to. Someone in the future might actually get that bullet to the head. I understand wanting it all to go away. And, I understand it is a horrible situation to have to go through again or over and over again. But there is strength and bravery in doing the right thing. That makes you a hero in my eyes.

[albionidaho.livejournal.com]

God, Jan. You are one tough man.

You did do the right thing.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks. There's still a big part of me that wonders if maybe it's not him. Sometimes my self-doubt can be pathological.

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

goddamnit

may he get cancerous, festering testicles
may all those who know him turn away
may a cat eat him, and the Devil eat the cat

Hey!

[mia-mcdavid.livejournal.com]

Why are you dragging an innocent cat into this? Let's have the Devil eat the guy directly . . .

Re: Hey!

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

The cat can die of fine old age, first. That's fine.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

I'd be happier if a big pit opened in the earth and swallowed him whole.

[mia-mcdavid.livejournal.com]

Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is doing the right thing in spite of the fear.

Thank you for having the guts and determination to do what you can to make this a better place.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[glamberson.livejournal.com]

I've had a couple of guns pointed at me too (one an AK-47), which is why I have little tolerance for gun lovers. No question you did the right thing.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I remember reading about your gun encounters earlier. I'm just glad my guy didn't fire at me. Still, it's pretty scary to literally stare down the barrel of gun pointing right at you.

[cathschaffstump.livejournal.com]

I am sorry. I understand the victim fear angle, and I understand how emotions are very complicated.

I hope that the police do catch him and put him away, and I hope that gives you some peace.

Catherine

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[justinhowe.livejournal.com]

Jeez, man...

But you did the right thing.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I still feel sick about it, though.

[silk-noir.livejournal.com]

But--it did just happen. Your body doesn't count time the way we're told it should.

Fucking jerk for what he did to you.

*hugs*

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[dryadjuna.livejournal.com]

Oh god. What others have said, of course: very courageous, and you did the right thing. I'm proud of you, and I'll bet Arie is, too. May he stand up to any bullies with the same selflessness.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks, though Arie only knows that I reported a "bad guy" to the police. I spoke to the the cops outside the car so Arie wouldn't hear. I really don't want him and Éiden to be worried. Still, I think Arie won't have any trouble standing up to bullies.