I hate these days.

[janradder]

There are some days when I put the boys in bed and come downstairs and feel lucky to be father. I reflect back on the day, remembering things that the kids said or did or certain moments where everything just seemed right.

Then there are days when Arie is being a pain in the ass and being unpleasant or throwing fits but I seem to roll with it like a judo fighter, dodging his parries and blows with ease, deflecting each invective he hurls as if it were nothing. On those days, I feel exhausted but accomplished. I think back with pride at how deftly I handled all the difficult situations I came across.

And then there are days like today. When I stay patient for most of the morning and afternoon and then finally lose it. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I take things away, but I can't wait until both boys are in bed and my job is over. Arie usually goes to bed crying on these days because I've taken away a toy or stories or bath-time or everything. When he finally calms down, he'll ask for a hug and want me to stay with him for a few minutes and I swear, sometimes, it takes all I have to go and hug him because I'm still so pissed off. When I get downstairs I eventually cool down but the day feels like it's still stuck in my throat. When I finally go upstairs to move Arie from our bed to his own, he'll be asleep and I'll carry his soft, sleeping body in my arms just like I did when he was an infant. At those times, he seems so sweet, so unlike the child who hours before was threatening to hit me or break something of mine or just plain yelling, and I feel like the shittiest father in the world no matter how many times I tell myself I'm not.

Comments

[michaeljasper.livejournal.com]

Ah, man. I know the feeling, and you've described it perfectly. Beautifully, actually, in you last few sentences there.

I had to do the same thing last night to our 4-year-old -- just had to walk away while he was screaming and crying. So yesterday, I got to be the world's shittiest father. It'll be someone ELSE's turn tomorrow.

[mia-mcdavid.livejournal.com]

Hugs, Jan! You are a good father!!! You have a child who is often very difficult and you try very hard not to lose it, but you are human and fallible like the rest of us.

And, Arie is really lucky to have you. You and Haddayr are doing your damnedest to take care of him and Eidan, and he couldn't do better. Hang in there, and be gentle with yourself!

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey I'm sorry. I should have stayed home, damnit!

[silk-noir.livejournal.com]

These are not the actions of a shitty father.

I've seen shitty fathers.

You're not them.

[sarahgoss.livejournal.com]

This post articulates so much that I have felt and been unable to put into words as well. I know the precise causes of those feelings aren't identical, but that parental frustration followed by self-condemnation is so familiar to me. I know I won't be able to say anything to make you feel better, but reading this post makes me feel less alone and I'm thankful you wrote it.

[albionidaho.livejournal.com]

Ditto Sarah.

[stephanieburgis.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[st-writes.livejournal.com]

I think it is the season for having the bad-parent blues.

[pierogi-queen.livejournal.com]

There are still, after all these years, memories of days and times that I lost it with you or Nikki, or said or did the absolute wrong thing and looking back, I feel just as you described - like the shittiest parent in the world.

[pierogi-queen.livejournal.com]

No, he certainly isn't!

[cathschaffstump.livejournal.com]

I'm not a parent. But I used to teach kids, and I know the feeling of being the crummiest teacher in the school. It's akin.

If we were, really, though, we wouldn't give our bad behavior a moment's reflection. Sorry. You AREN'T the shittiest dad. I hope you're not too disappointed. :)

It's a learning curve for us as well.

Catherine

[geniusofevil.livejournal.com]

I know just what you need!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u2ZsoYWwJA

[janradder.livejournal.com]

That was great -- thanks!

[janradder.livejournal.com]

And the next day was a lot better, like it usually is. Thanks. It helps to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

The funny thing is, I really don't remember those times at all. You were (and still are) a pretty awesome mom.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

No. It's fine. These days happen.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It helps to hear that, even though I know intellectually that no parent is perfect.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

It's always good to hear that I'm not the only one who loses it or who feels like a crappy parent. That in itself helps. I'm glad the post made you feel less alone.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Yeah -- I seem to feel this way a lot around the holidays.

[janradder.livejournal.com]

Before having kids, I used to teach as well (preschool). There were plenty of days I left feeling like I was in the wrong profession.

[pierogi-queen.livejournal.com]

Thank you! You were, and still are, a pretty awesome son.

(and on those days when you are feeling like the "world's shittiest dad", remember what you just said to me. Arie and Eiden are going to feel the exact same way about you - well, not quite exact - hopefully they won't consider you an awesome Mom lol)